I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I don’t hate children, just yours.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?