I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
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[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
In banana years, I am bread.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.