Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?