I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.