I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year