I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
You Might Also Like
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.