I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.