i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
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Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.