i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
every single time
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
