Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.