Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!