I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
me before I type out affect or effect
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I have never related to a cat more
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…