i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
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a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop