Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

B

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

*seductively corrects your posture*

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me