I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
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If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.