Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

Made something I’m not proud of

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Day 2 of my diet

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.