I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
i really liked this one
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Body by sandwich.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.