I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
lol
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
$3 #books
