I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
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I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I triple waxed for this?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct