Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

If you had more money you’d be happier.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter