Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

😂

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

Me too door. Me too.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.