I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
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In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is