Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.