I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.