I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
You Might Also Like
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*