I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
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I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.