Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

Saving my good tweets for marriage

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Oh no