I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
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I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.