Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Natural selection at its finest

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before