Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

lol

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

Am getting real tired of your crap…

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*