Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

😂

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit