Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend