Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

me refusing to leave twitter

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

rapatouille

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.