I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Swedish for common sense.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it