Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

Me :

All Day At Night

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?