I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
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An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that