I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.