I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
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*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.