I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You Might Also Like
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
One of the best
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
