I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You Might Also Like
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Who.
Did.
This?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L