I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
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Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”