I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
The smoothest fall of all time
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.