I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.