I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
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If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My first child will be named New Folder.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?