I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
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A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Realize this:
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
rapatouille
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house