I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
when a toddler tells a story
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.