I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
You Might Also Like
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.