Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

ㅤ

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”