Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.