I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.