I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
You Might Also Like
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Sorry not sorry.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Seems a bit forward
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.