tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My daughter found something on her own.
Am I done? Is she raised now?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.