I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
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The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.