I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
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I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I have a new favorite meme page
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
This is a genius move
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.