Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

My sister came over today and her hair is so gorgeous, I want to punch her in the face

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

pictures of spider-man

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.