Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

*pronounces patio like ratio

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?