I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
You Might Also Like
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?