I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
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*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it