I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
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I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.