I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My birth announcement for our third baby
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool