I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Lmao 😁
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB