Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard