I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
“No way.” -Jose
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.