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i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
🙅🏻
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.