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I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I would like even faster food.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness