I am, perchance
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[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total