I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
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when revenge coincides with naptime
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
my favorite genre of twitter
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.