I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,