Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.