I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“What?”
– Jude
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that