Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

based

Goodnight 🐶

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.