Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous