I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
some things should go without saying
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.