Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?