I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I’M CRYINGGG
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
when you are just born a rebel
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
meow
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.