Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office