I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
We like the way Dwight thinks
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Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.